STOP A MURDER - WHO (Mystery Puzzle Book 4) Read online

SPOILER ALERT!

  No tricks, just the plain old alphabet.

  There are only twelve of these, and you’re looking for the twelfth.

  123…

  You would normally stand up for this. Unless you’re Colin Kaepernick.

  The alphabet, again. But what do all of these capital letters have in common?

  Good luck,

  Unknown Sendero

  From: Unknown Sender

  To: JA Konrath

  Subject: Seven

  Jehoshaphat—

  It’s been a few days, I haven’t heard back from you.

  Is everything okay?

  Do I need to come over to check on you?

  US

  From: Unknown Sender

  To: JA Konrath

  Subject: Seven

  Joe—

  Why won’t you answer? Did your fat ass finally have that heart attack we’ve all been anticipating? Should I start calling hospitals?

  Maybe I can call your lovely wife, Maria.

  I have her phone number.

  I have the phone numbers of everyone in your family.

  Are you going to reply, or do I start dialing?

  US

  From: Unknown Sender

  To: JA Konrath

  Subject: Daryl

  Joe—

  Okay, you got me.

  I thought the answer to your puzzle was Seven. It was Daryl. Daryl’s father had four sons, so Daryl must be the last one.

  Nice job distracting me with the One, Three, Five bullshit.

  Have you solved my puzzle yet?

  US

  From: Joe Konrath

  To: Unknown Sender

  US—

  I haven’t solved yours yet. But I have been working on it in my free time.

  Here’s a good one for you.

  JOE’S PUZZLE #4

  A woman has two coins in her purse that total thirty cents. One of them is not a nickel. What are the coins?

  Joe

  From: Unknown Sender

  To: JA Konrath

  Subject: A Quarter and a Nickel

  JA—

  One of them isn’t a nickel. But the other one is a nickel.

  That riddle is older than both of us.

  So you’ve been working on my puzzle in your free time?

  That’s what a life is worth to you? Something you can try to save in between your three hundred words a day quota and Netflixing BoJack Horseman?

  Shouldn’t stopping me be your fulltime job? I don’t think I’m being arrogant when I say that the plans I have are a lot more important than anything you could possibly be doing with your time.

  Get with the program, Konrath.

  PUZZLE #41

  Here’s a list of eight movies:

  Nine Lives of Fritz the Cat

  Rocky V

  The Brave One

  Four Rooms

  One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest

  Point Break

  Three the Hard Way

  Reversal of Fortune

  Based on this list, tell me what I’m eating.

  How’s this for a different kind of puzzle? No doubt better than the ones you’re stealing from out-of-print puzzle books from the 1970s.

  I’m putting thought and care into my puzzles, Joe.

  Just like I’m putting thought and care into the murder I’m plotting.

  No idea how to start solving this? Need a hint?

  SPOILER ALERT!

  The eighth movie isn’t part of the answer, but is giving you a clue how to solve it.

  You haven’t gotten all the puzzles so far, Joe. Are you reading all the hints I so carefully left for you on the website?

  All this work I’m putting in, I’d hate for it to go unseen.

  Do you know what it’s like to work on something, and have it never be seen?

  It’s a tragedy, Joe. As big a tragedy as a childhood robbed by violence.

  Did you know I was forced to watch when Daddy castrated me?

  He told me he would cut off my eyelids if I closed my eyes. I was more afraid of that than losing my balls.

  I was young. I didn’t know what they were for.

  I suppose I still don’t. And seeing all of that disgusting pornography on the Internet, I’m sure I’m not missing anything. Having someone rub their dirty, sweaty body up against mine doesn’t seem like a good time.

  It didn’t hurt much. Daddy did stuff to me that hurt a lot worse.

  The bleeding was bad, but Daddy sewed me up pretty quick.

  A lot of the meds I take are hormones.

  Do you think that’s my problem? Too much testosterone?

  Maybe if I stopped taking it, I’d stop killing.

  But a guy has to have some kind of stress reliever…

  Your BFF,

  Unknown Senter

  From: Joe Konrath

  To: Unknown Sender

  US—

  I don’t know if what you tell me about your past is true, but if it is, I’m sorry. You really should find a good psychiatrist to help you.

  Here’s a tricky one for you.

  JOE’S PUZZLE #5

  A man and his wife are in a car, speeding, and the man gets pulled over by a cop. The man gets out of the car to plead with the cop, and then he hears his wife screaming. He looks in the car and sees there is a stranger inside, and his wife is covered in blood. But the cop doesn’t arrest anyone. Why not?

  I’m looking for a non-violent answer.

  Violence is never necessary.

  Joe

  From: Unknown Sender

  To: JA Konrath

  Subject: His wife gave birth in the car

  Joe—

  I spend a lot of time crafting an original puzzle, and you send me that easy one?

  We’re already at Puzzle #42. To celebrate, here’s an appropriate question.

  PUZZLE #42

  What is this an answer to?

  I’m guessing you’re well-versed in nerd culture, so you should know this.

  No?

  Here’s a clue.

  SPOILER ALERT!

  This requires Deep Thought.

  Caught the reference yet?

  No?

  Don’t Panic!

  I thought every guy over the age of twenty-three has read this book. Or seen the TV show. Or the movie.

  I guess you just have to start Googling…

  Good hunting,

  Unknown Senders

  From: Joe Konrath

  To: Unknown Sender

  Sender—

  Of course I knew that. The first few times it didn’t work on your website, because I was adding an extra comma.

  Here’s one that uses math, history, and books.

  JOE’S PUZZLE #6

  Carroll’s Cat – Bilbo’s Town = Famous Revolutionary

  I have a question for you. I recently did a virus scan on my computer, and it found some spyware.

  Are you trying to hack me?

  Joe

  From: Unknown Sender

  To: JA Konrath

  Subject: Cheshire–Shire = Che

  Mr. Paranoia—

  Hack you?

  Why would I do that?

  I’m many things, but I’m not your computer problem.

  Isn’t that what your novel WEBCAM was about? A hacker who watches people on their own electronic devices?

  I didn’t read it. And I’m not a hacker.

  You need to stop pirating software and surfing those adult websites. That’s where you picked up your virus.

  PUZZLE #43

  A six-letter word

  Was the victim of theft

  A thief stole a letter

  And twelve is what’s left.

  What is the word?

  You never told me if you liked my poems. I not only think of the puzzles, but I present them to you in such a fun, clever way, and you never give me any credit for it.

  I shouldn’t give you any hints at all. But I always ke
ep my word, so I’ll give you a small clue.

  SPOILER ALERT!

  It’s not gross.

  Unknown Tender

  From: Joe Konrath

  To: Unknown Sender

  US—

  You want me to compliment you for something? How about instead of praise for your poems or puzzles, I praise you for stopping this stupid “I’m going to murder someone” game and devoting your time and energy to something worthwhile, like the Red Cross or Greenpeace?

  You’re forcing me to interact with you, which is a blatant cry for attention. Now you want me to think highly of you?

  That’s insane. But you’re insane, so that’s understandable.

  And, truthfully, your poems are decent. I’m not saying that to brown nose you. That’s one writer to another.

  In that spirit, here’s a poem for you.

  JOE’S PUZZLE #7

  I only have one eye,

  I also have a tail,

  I don’t have hands or feet,

  And I’m hard as a nail.

  What am I?

  As for a hint, you know what this is. There may be one, or probably more, in your home right now.

  If you can’t guess it right away, don’t flip out. Use common sense.

  Joe

  From: Unknown Sender

  To: JA Konrath

  Subject: A cyclops

  Joe—

  I’m not sure I’m right, so I’m not including my next puzzle. But in Greek mythology, a cyclops only had one eye. They were also very hard to kill, and might have had tails like centaurs.

  US

  From: Unknown Sender

  To: JA Konrath

  Subject: A copepod

  Joe—

  You didn’t respond to my cyclops answer, so I’m guessing it was wrong.

  A copepod is a small crustacean that had one eye and a tail. It’s doesn’t have hands or feet, but does have legs. And if you cooked one, it would turn brown and get hard.

  US

  From: Unknown Sender

  To: JA Konrath

  Subject: A needle

  Joe-

  A needle has an eye, is hard, and has no hands or feet.

  If I’m wrong, give me another hint.

  US

  From: Unknown Sender

  To: JA Konrath

  Subject: I give up

  Okay, Joe. You win.

  Just tell me the answer so we can get on with our game.

  US

  From: Unknown Sender

  To: JA Konrath

  Subject: TELL ME

  Okay, you stumped me. Nice work. Now tell me what it is. I’m getting really irritated that you’re not responding.

  US

  From: Unknown Sender

  To: JA Konrath

  Subject:

  Youbettertellmethegoddamnfuckingansweryoufuckingasshole RIGHT NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

  From: Unknown Sender

  To: JA Konrath

  Subject: A Penny

  Joseph—

  A penny has one eye (Lincoln in profile), a tail, is brown, and is a hard metal.

  I’ll be honest; that one got me a little frustrated.

  Your comment that I shouldn’t “flip” out and use common sense (cents) was a nice touch.

  Kudos to you, sir.

  But the next time you don’t reply to one of my emails, I’m taking my gun—the one you’ve seen in the video—and I’m loading up a backpack with boxes of ammo and copies of your books, and then I’m heading for the food court of the nearest mall on a busy Saturday and killing as many people as I can.

  No more game. No more chances for you to stop a murder.

  I’m done answering your puzzles. You aren’t in control.

  Send me another puzzle and you’ll see what happens.

  Now let’s get back on track.

  PUZZLE #44

  Lawless of Xena

  Pauling of Nobel

  York’s famous candy

  Apollo lunar module

  The astronaut Ride

  Where Jimi played Anthem

  Coasters big hit

  Almanack Ben

  Okay, so this doesn’t rhyme. It sort of almost rhymes. But I’ve got preparations to make today, so I didn’t tweak this puzzle as much as I might have.

  While I’m working, I think I’d like a snack that relates to the above puzzle. What do all of those have in common? That’s what I’ll eat, and that’s your answer.

  SPOILER ALERT!

  What do all of these names have in common?

  Once you get the names, you’ll get the reference, and the associated food.

  And be quick about it. I want you to email me by tomorrow, or by late afternoon you’ll have a hundred reporters at your door wondering how you’re connected to the mass murder. And you can tell them it’s your fault, because you couldn’t answer a fucking email.

  Love,

  UnknownoSender

  From: Joe Konrath

  To: Unknown Sender

  Unknown—

  You have your rules, and if I break them you threaten me.

  I make one little rule—that I won’t answer you unless you figure out my puzzle—and you lose your shit and start wailing about mass shootings.

  Seriously, man. Chill out.

  If you’re on prescription meds, I’m guessing you have a doctor. How about asking for some Xanax? Valium? Thorazine?

  Or better yet, how about you swallow that gun you keep bragging about?

  Joe

  From: Unknown Sender

  To: JA Konrath

  Subject: Who I’ll Murder–45

  Joey—

  You’re okay to tell someone with obvious mental disorders to swallow a gun?

  You’re a dick, Joe.

  FYI, I don’t have a doctor. I self-medicate. What I can’t get by impersonating a veterinarian online, I get on darknet. Bitcoin rules all.

  As you can see, I’m not angry one little bit at your outburst. I expected it. You lack self- control, proper judgement, and good manners. And your books are mediocre, even by the average reader’s low standards.

  You might think I’m insulting you. How can the truth be an insult?

  And even when you’re spouting disdain, poorly wrapped in a veil of concern, you still followed orders like a good little Nazi and got in touch with me when I told you to.

  You’re all talk and no spine, Joe.

  How do you live with yourself? How do you sleep at night?

  I bet you’re still wondering why I got in touch with you. Out of all the midlist authors on all the websites in all the Internet, I found yours.

  I’ll tell you soon enough. Now solve this next puzzle.

  PUZZLE #45

  The following is a sequence of letters.

  BALLAMAGICIANOTYPHOONTOLOGICALFIVEILLNESSTIPENDINGOREJOINTERMEZZOOMYESTABLISHARLEQUINCESTAXYLOPHONEWEAKNOW

  That sequence contains a lot of hidden words. In fact, it contains hidden words that begin with almost every letter of the alphabet.

  There is one letter of the alphabet in this sequence that isn’t the first letter of a word. Type that into the answer box along with the place number of where this letter sits in this puzzle.

  I thought we’d try something new. Something you can’t immediately search for online.

  This is going to take a keen eye, and maybe a notepad to write down words.

  If you need help, here’s a tidbit.

  SPOILER ALERT!

  This is a word search. Go through the alphabet in this letter sequence and find the letter that doesn’t start a word.

  Not every single letter in this puzzle starts a word, but every letter of the alphabet is represented. Except one. Find that lette
r, and its numerical place in line.

  This time, I want you to answer within twelve hours of me sending this, or bang bang goes the food court….

  Hurry,

  Unknown Sendep

  From: Joe Konrath

  To: Unknown Sender

  Dickhead—

  I don’t believe anything you say.

  You played me for a good long time.

  Now we’re done.

  No more puzzles.

  No more replies.

  If you do anything, the authorities have copies of all these emails. It will be on them, not me.

  Do the world a favor and drop dead.

  J

  From: Unknown Sender

  To: JA Konrath

  Subject: Who I’ll Murder–46

  JA—

  So you’ve actually given up?

  If so, why do I keep seeing website hits and wrong answers on www.stopamurder.com?

  Maybe you’ve thrown in the towel, but your readers are still fighting the good fight?

  Of course they’re braver than you are.

  You’d have to be brave to get through one of your shitty excuses for a book.

  But if you think we’re done, you’re sadly mistaken.

  And if you’re one of Joe’s readers helping him out, DO NOT CONTACT HIM.

  Joe needs to solve these puzzles for himself. Don’t spoil it for him.

  If you do, I’ll find you. I have ways.

  PUZZLE #46

  Becky is Jessica’s mother. Becky is the ______ of Jessica’s mother.

  I’m looking for a word here that makes sense.

  SPOILER ALERT!