STOP A MURDER - WHY (Mystery Puzzle Book 3) Page 2
Then my other eye began to itch.
Sweet dreams,
Untnown Sender
From: Joe Konrath
To: Unknown Sender
US—
The puzzle was easy. Are you even trying? Or just phoning it in?
As for your story, what are you looking for? Praise? Approval? A critique?
For a while, I taught a community college fiction class. I taught my students how to critique their own manuscripts.
Stories can be broken down into six parts; hook, conflict, characters, setting, style, resolution, and enjoyment.
Your hook isn’t very strong. There is no rising action with the conflict. No character development. No setting. Your style seems to be an overabundance of adverbs and adjectives and long, clunky paragraphs. The twist ending wasn’t a twist since nothing was explained.
I didn’t enjoy it. You would have failed my class.
Stick to puzzles.
Joe
From: Unknown Sender
To: JA Konrath
Subject: Why I’ll Do It–28
Professor Konrath—
Envious much?
It was obvious you were trolling me with your critique of my story. Trying to push my buttons.
You can’t phase me. The opinions of a midlist author who taught community college (really?!?) don’t mean a thing. I’m sure you were as good at teaching as you are solving puzzles.
In other words; not good at all.
But since you brought up school, did anyone ever teach you this word?
PUZZLE #28
Yo, banana boy!
Are we not drawn onward to new era?
Rise to vote sir!
Do geese see God?
Ma has a ham.
Dammit, I’m mad!
Party booby trap.
Senile felines!
Mr. Owl ate my metal worm.
A butt tuba.
In words, alas, drown I.
What’s the word I’m looking for?
Puzzle aside, you’ve become a tiresome, repetitive, and very downbeat email partner.
Perhaps I should teach you a lesson? Deflect some of my time and energy from the murder I’m about to commit to you, in order to show you some manners?
Would you like that, Joey?
Or should we keep this correspondence impersonal, and stick to the hints?
SPOILER ALERT!
The word is ten letters.
Personal or impersonal, I’m fine with either.
Contrary to what your inflated ego may bellow, you are not the focus of my attention.
I’m going to murder someone. That’s where my focus is.
Sending you puzzles is a pastime. A form of entertainment.
Don’t flatter yourself. You aren’t the target.
You’re just a mindless diversion. Emphasis on mindless…
Yours truly,
Unknown Sendir
From: Joe Konrath
To: Unknown Sender
US—
I didn’t get this puzzle at first. But when I did figure it out, I had to admit; it certainly has a WOW factor.
As for our correspondence…
I’m a busy guy. I have things going on. Business things. And personal things. Sometimes I’m tired. Sometimes I’m moody.
I’m human. It’s hard to read tone in emails, because they lack all of the visual and audible components of communication. One of the reasons the Internet is such a hostile place is because people misread each other. Something said with a grin and an upbeat inflection will always be taken as a joke in person, but often on the world wide web it can be misconstrued as a challenge, an insult, or worse.
While my tone may be sarcastic, I’m never trying to be mean, or provoke you.
You are a self-admitted murderer. What logical reason would I have to poke a bear?
So there’s no need to focus on me. I’m just unassuming, smart-ass Joe Konrath, being myself without the benefit of being in the same room as you.
Best,
Joe
From: Unknown Sender
To: JA Konrath
Subject: Why I’ll Do It–29
Joe—
You do a decent job playing the sycophant.
And since we’re already on that topic, I’m not one to fish for compliments, but you haven’t mentioned once how much you’ve liked my videos.
A lot of work goes into those videos. Long hours editing. Adding FX in post. Changing my voice so it can’t be traced.
Would it kill you to give me a compliment?
That accompanying music is also of my own composition. And believe it or not, I never took a single lesson.
You should be impressed. And it wouldn’t hurt you to admit as much.
PUZZLE #29
What is the only U.S. state capital that shares no letters with the state it is the capital of?
There’re no trick here. You just have to know your state capitals. And your alphabet.
SPOILER ALERT
Write the capital and state, no commas
So tell me; how are my movie skills? Do I have what it takes to make it in Hollywood?
Curious,
Unknown Sendeor
From: Joe Konrath
To: Unknown Sender
US—
As you’ve mentioned in previous emails, I don’t know much about Hollywood.
I found your videos to be disturbing. I’m guessing that was your intent, so mission accomplished.
Why don’t you turn your creative pursuits away from murder and get into the movie/TV world? Or become a writer?
Joe
From: Unknown Sender
To: JA Konrath
Subject: Why I’ll Do It–30
Joe—
Why don’t I become a writer?
I have to smile at that. Maybe I’ll tell you why, someday.
For the meantime, I’ll stick to murder. And to puzzles.
Here’s a fun one.
PUZZLE #30
This word means remarkable,
And if it’s split in two,
The two new words mean useless,
But there are more tricks it can do,
If you are in a restaurant,
Hoping to get a seat,
And this word is split a different way,
You’ll have to wait to eat.
What’s the word?
There have been quite a few word puzzles in this WHY batch. Maybe I should go back to math for the next one?
Or am I speaking of the next puzzle too soon, while you’re still stuck on this one?
SPOILER ALERT!
It’s a seven-letter word.
Let me share something private with you, Joe. When I first contacted you, I was really excited. When I was little, the only way to reach out to famous people was to fight crowds in long lines at personal events, or handwrite snail mail to a publicist or agent, hoping it would wind up in the celebrity’s hand.
Then the Internet appeared, like an oasis in the desert, and you could reach out to practically anybody.
Now, all this time later, my initial excitement has lost its gloss, becoming a dull routine.
Don’t let it fade into apathy, Joe. If you don’t keep things spicy, I’ll be forced to do something horrible.
Chew on that,
Unknown Sennder
From: Joe Konrath
To: Unknown Sender
US—
I like you more when you’re sending clever puzzles like that last one.
I like you less when you resort to threats and insults.
But what can I really expect from a relationship based on extortion?
You want spicy? Go stick a giant-sized bottle of hot sauce up your ass.
J
From: Unknown Sender
To: JA Konrath
Subject: Why I’ll Do It–31
Please stop being mean to me Daddy I don’t know what I did wrong I swear Daddy the doggy was lik
e that when I found it I wouldn’t go messing around like that you know I wouldn’t I’m sorry I’m so sorry Daddy please don’t Punish me
PUZZLE #31
If the day after tomorrow is three days after Friday, what day is four days before the day after tomorrow?
Take that answer, and tell me the next year that St. Patrick’s Day will fall on this day.
Take that year and square it.
Take that seven-digit number, type it in reverse, and add 6262206.
Take that binary number, and convert it to a decimal number.
Convert the decimal number to hex.
Type in those two letters as your answer.
SPOILER ALERT
Write down the days of the week to solve the first question, and go from there.
don’t Punish don’t Punish don’t Punish
Unknovn Sender
From: Joe Konrath
To: Unknown Sender
US—
The puzzle was tough. I didn’t mind the logic or the math, but I needed the Internet to convert to decimal and hex.
Also, I’m not your father. You obviously have some deep issues, and if your meds aren’t working, I suggest finding a good counsellor.
If you’re coherent, can I ask how you were able to send a coherent puzzle when you obviously weren’t in your right mind?
Joe
From: Unknown Sender
To: JA Konrath
Subject: Why I’ll Do It–32
Joe—
Obviously, I’ve created the puzzles ahead of time. That’s how I’ve been able to set up the www.stopamurder.com website, and give you all of those helpful hints.
Are you reading all the hints, Joe? Even if you don’t need them?
I wouldn’t want you missing out on any of the hard work I’ve put into creating the game for you.
And, apparently, for your readers.
Yes, I see you when you visit the website. I have tracking software, and I know all about the wrong answers you keep typing in. As if typing the same wrong answer more than once will make it correct all of a sudden.
It’s not a software problem. It’s not an Internet problem. It’s not a computer problem.
It’s a You Are Wrong problem.
Here’s an oldie but a goodie. Happily, you can guess on this one, because there are only so many answers.
PUZZLE #32
If Jerry’s son is my son’s father, who am I to Jerry?
Let’s try to figure that one out without random guessing, shall we?
Go on. Impress me.
I’ll even give you a hint.
SPOILER ALERT!
Only one person can be my son’s father.
As for the email, you could go for the cheap, clichéd laugh and say that I have Daddy issues.
Trust me. I don’t.
I have meds issues. Sometimes I forget. And when I do, I get…
What’s the best way to describe it?
I get stabby.
It’s tough to compose a coherent email when you’re stabbing.
You try it. You’ll find I’m correct.
As for Daddy, I’ve long ago worked out my disagreements with my father. We now cohabit peacefully. He’s upstairs, if you’re curious. We never fight at all.
In fact, I just made him a sandwich today. He was very grateful.
Over the weekend, maybe I’ll bake some cookies.
What’s your favorite kind of cookie, Joe?
And what does any of this have to do with WHY?
You’ll find out soon enough…
Your friend,
Unkniwn Sender
From: Joe Konrath
To: Unknown Sender
US—
I remember that brain teaser from my grammar school days. It’s actually not difficult, but it is confusing as hell. You keep repeating it over and over in your head, as if the answer will suddenly appear.
The answer doesn’t suddenly appear. You just need to break it down into parts.
I’d like to offer a suggestion, since getting stabby probably isn’t a productive use of your time, or good for society in general. Get one of those pill containers that lists the day of the week. Then you can always see if you took your meds or not.
Best,
Joe
Gspn: Volopxo Tfoefs
Up: KB Lposbui
Tvckfdu: Xiz J’mm Ep Ju–33
Kpf—
J’mm nblf uijt pof sfbmmz fbtz.
QVAAMF #
Xibu tfwfo mfuufs xpse foet jo “ljoh” boe nfbot uif tbnf bt joufsdpvstf?
TQPJMFS BMFSU!
Opx, ju epfto’u cfhjo xjui “g”. Jg zpv’sf tuvdl, xf dbo ejtdvtt uijt.
J’mm cf xbudijoh xxx.tupqbnvsefs.dpn gps zpvs hvfttft. ju tipvme cf bnvtjoh.
cftu,
Volopxo Tfotfs
From: Joe Konrath
To: Unknown Sender
Sender—
Another cypher, huh?
Thankfully, there are free pages on the Internet that will decode these so I don’t have to do it by hand.
Seriously, it isn’t 1975 anymore. There’s no need to figure this stuff out by hand.
Or is this a case of you missing your meds again?
Joe
From: Unknown Sender
To: JA Konrath
Subject: Why I’ll Do It–34
Asshole—
Missing my meds again?
You think mental illness is funny?
You think the overwhelming desire to stab something is a character quirk worthy of mockery?
I knew you were a jerk, Konrath. But I didn’t know you were this huge a jerk.
I’ll dispense with further commentary and get to the puzzle.
PUZZLE #34
OH, HI PA!
GAIL ‘ND ME AR IN LAVA COAL MINE.
MA OK?
- WIDE MO
Wide Mo? Lava coal mine? What is this?
I’m not telling you. But I will say there are twenty different ones in that telegram. When you figure out what they are, alphabetize them and type in the full name of the seventeenth in the list.
Simple enough, right?
Or maybe they can never be too simple for a simpleton like you?
SPOILER ALERT!
If you don’t recognize these, try splitting the four-letter words down the middle.
Tell me, Joe, do you prefer the easy puzzles that you get right away? Or the ones that make you think? Or maybe the ones that you know you can answer, but require a lot of time and research?
Inquiring minds want to know,
UnknowniSender
From: Joe Konrath
To: Unknown Sender
US—
Are you asking for my puzzle preference because you’re going to tailor them to my specific tastes?
Why do I have the feeling that if I tell you what I prefer, you’ll just do the opposite?
This last puzzle was smart. My grandparents would have never gotten it, back in the day.
Times change. No stopping it.
We’ve done a lot of emails back and forth. I was re-reading some of them, and I realized I don’t know anything personal about you.
How about I share something personal with you, and you share something with me? Would that be fair?
I’ll go first.
I once got so drunk I pissed the bed.
Pretty crazy, huh?
Go ahead and judge me if you want to. But man up and tell me one of your embarrassing secrets.
All best,
Joe
From: Unknown Sender
To: JA Konrath
Subject: Why I’ll Do It–35
Dearest Joe—
So we’re sharing secrets?
How brave of you, telling me your drunk story.
Are those the kind of skeletons in your closet? You said the wrong thing to a girl? Partied too hard? Got so nervous speaking in public that you threw up beforehand?
How mundane
.
The skeletons in my closet are real skeletons.
Well, truth be told, they still have some skin on them.
And they’re in the attic, not the closet.
But my point remains. When I make a mistake, it doesn’t involve a bodily function, or a slip of the tongue.
I get stabby, remember?
You wouldn’t want to hear my secrets. You couldn’t handle them.
But, since you asked…
Remember in the WHERE puzzle questions, I told you about my neighbor and her new baby?
Baby Bella, I called her.
Except her name wasn’t Bella. Her name was something else. Something I can’t say, because then you could do a Google Search.
In those emails, I warned you to behave, or I’d hurt the baby.
My warnings were bullshit.
I’d hurt that baby a long time ago.
She’s in the attic now. And it’s a good place for her. She’ll never get older, and have to worry about the endless humiliations of life. She’ll never fail a test. Or go on a bad date. Or catch the flu. Or die.
You can’t worry about death when you’re dead already.
Don’t cry for her. Her parents did not. Sure, there were some crocodile tears for the media. But after only a few months passed, her parents got divorced.