STOP A MURDER - HOW (Mystery Puzzle Book 1) Page 3

  US—

  You’re correct. I’m getting help.

  Lots of help.

  I’m sharing your emails with my readers.

  Check out my new website page. I’ll be updating it frequently.

  http://www.jakonrath.com/stop-murder/php

  You obviously have some severe emotional issues. At first I thought this was some sort of catfish or trolling game, but now I really do believe you’re serious.

  So you want to play?

  Let’s play.

  I’m going to stop you. And if I don’t, one of my readers will.

  Do yourself a favor and quit right now.

  J

  From: Unknown Sender

  To: JA Konrath

  Subject: How I’ll Do It–9

  J—

  Wow! You solved that last puzzle super-fast!

  You must have recruited an army to help you.

  Tell me… are they helping? Or maybe they’re doing all the work, and you’ve already given up?

  Feeling helpless isn’t a nice feeling. I know this all too well.

  It makes you feel alone.

  Desperate.

  Eager to retaliate.

  I’ve looked at your website addition. In the interest of fair play, I’ve added the http://www.jakonrath.com/stop-murder/php link to my site, to make it easier for visitors to figure out what’s going on.

  I have to say, Joe, that this has really upped the ante. Doing this in public, as exhibitionist as it is, feels a lot more exciting.

  No one can stop me. And now the whole world will see me triumph.

  That’s one of the reasons I picked you, Joe. You’ve got a large enough platform that others will pay attention.

  Who knows? Maybe, one day, someone will even write a book about this.

  I have work to do, so let’s get to the crux.

  How is your US geography? You know how to read a map, don’t you?

  Here’s a list of ten states:

  ARIZONA

  GEORGIA

  MASSACHUSETTS

  MICHIGAN

  MINNESOTA

  NEVADA

  NEW MEXICO

  OHIO

  VIRGINIA

  WEST VIRGINIA

  I even put them in alphabetical order for you.

  You’re welcome.

  Now hopefully, at this point in the game, you’re looking at those states and thinking, “What connects them all?”

  Good for you! You’re developing that puzzle-busting/crime-solving mindset. Maybe there’s hope for you yet.

  Here’s what I want you to do…

  PUZZLE #9

  The above states share something in common that no other states in the USA have. When you come up with the answer, there will be a number involved. Multiply that times the year the most recent state in this group was admitted to the Union, and you’ll have the correct answer.

  How are you feeling? In a “state” of confusion?

  Those quotes aren’t a clue. They’re just drawing attention to the pun.

  I’m funny, aren’t I?

  Nod your head if you agree. I’ll know if you do.

  Because I can see you.

  Ha! Another joke!

  I’m not watching you.

  Not right now at least.

  Ha ha! I’m hysterical, right? Can your agent book me on Jimmy Fallon?

  But back to the puzzle. Type in the answer at www.stopamurder.com. If you want a clue, here you go…

  SPOILER ALERT!

  You’re looking for a geographic answer.

  Trying to solve this without a map would be bordering on madness.

  I bet you don’t even own a map. Who needs one these days, with Google and Apple and GPS?

  Are you old enough to remember paper maps? There was something pure, something almost ancestral, about unfolding a map and figuring out where you were. Holding the paper. Circling destinations with a pencil. Following squiggly little red and blue lines, like veins and arteries…

  Oh, wait. I forgot. You were one of those authors who crowed to the world that paper was obsolete and ebooks were the next big thing.

  I remember a time when, if you wanted to get published, you had to earn it. There were agents, and editors, and you had to impress them. The very concept of writing and publishing something yourself was laughed at.

  But in these modern times, any two-bit hack can self-publish whatever they want. Whatever happened to gatekeepers, saving the reading public from garbage? What happened to quality standards?

  Back in the day, an author had to earn readers. Today, all you need is a slick cover and a low price. Hard work and talent need not apply.

  Of course, I’m not lumping you in with all the hacks, Mr. Konrath. You got your start in traditional publishing.

  Then, what happened? They dumped you? They cancelled your contract?

  I don’t remember the exact circumstances. It was something like that, though. Right?

  And now you self-publish, earning your pennies-per-copy-sold, trying to make a living by writing the same thriller book over and over and over again to sell to your handful of fans.

  Really, I couldn’t even tell your last three books apart. The only reason I knew they weren’t the same exact book was that the covers were different colors.

  Kinda sad, Joe.

  But I’m not one to judge how anyone makes a living.

  I’ve done things for money. Bad things.

  I’ve also done bad things for free.

  Maybe I’ll share some of those things with you, next time I see you.

  Eternally,

  Unknown Senter

  From: Unknown Sender

  To: JA Konrath

  Subject: How I’ll Do It–10

  Joe—

  I’m not pleased when I contact you and you don’t reply. From now on, have the courtesy to respond to me.

  Is it because my last email to you was a teensy-weensy bit cruel?

  Perhaps I’ve been overly mean concerning your writing. I know I’ve been sadistic with some of these puzzles. So many things to figure out, so many steps to solve.

  Sadism has its place. When you come down to it, life is all about control. We strive for it, every waking moment. Getting what we want. Influencing those around us. Forcing life to be what we long for it to be.

  Having control over others is the ultimate high. And if you have so much power you can make them feel unpleasant things, things like fear and pain and sadness and distress, it’s like sucking on a cherry lollipop.

  Delicious.

  But you have to give them occasional respite from the abuse. Ease up a bit. Let them hope things are going to improve.

  Then, when things get worse, it hurts even more.

  In that spirit, here’s an easy one.

  PUZZLE #10

  This five-letter word is a type of aromatic resin often used in incense and perfume, and it doesn’t contain the letters A, E, I, O, or U.

  Simple, right?

  Or is it?

  Don’t tell me you haven’t figured it out yet. Even if you’re not religious, almost everyone has heard this story.

  Okay, here’s a clue.

  SPOILER ALERT!

  You don’t need to be a wise man to figure this out.

  I pretty much gave it to you there. I’ll make sure the next puzzle isn’t so easy. Type the word into the appropriate text box at www.stopamurder.com.

  Since this email is briefer than ones I usually write you, and I don’t want you to feel short-changed, I want to tell you a story. Forgive me in advance, as I’m not the wordsmith you are. But maybe you’ll enjoy it even if I don’t have your creative skills.

  It’s a story about a boy named Timmy.

  Timmy used to have bad ear infections. So bad he had to bang his head against the bathroom floor until he bled, just to take his mind off the pain.

  The kids in school called him Timmy Ear Snot, because sometimes pus would run out of his ears. It smelle
d bad, and would drip on his shoulders and dry there in a yellow crust.

  One day, during recess, he was surrounded by a group of boys who began to tease him. They said it was worm shit leaking out of his ears. They told Timmy that worms had crawled into his ears when he was sleeping, and they were living in his skull, eating his brain.

  Timmy knew it was a lie, but he couldn’t stop thinking about it. He thought about it so much, he could actually feel the worms, slithering through his thoughts, eating and shitting and causing him to suffer so bad.

  Timmy tried spraying bug killer in his ears, but it only made the worms angry, and the pain got worse.

  He tried eating some ant poison, to kill them from the inside, but it only made Timmy puke so bad he saw blood.

  There was only one thing left to do. Timmy waited until Daddy was drunk, and then crept into the basement and opened up his father’s tool box.

  With his ears hurting so bad, and his brain itchy from the worm trails, Timmy picked up a long, thin screwdriver.

  His screaming woke Daddy up. But time in the Punishment Box didn’t matter. Timmy killed the worms. And his ears never hurt again.

  The kids still made fun of Timmy, but Timmy didn’t mind.

  He couldn’t hear them.

  He couldn’t hear anything.

  But even though the worms died, Timmy’s thoughts still itched.

  Then his eyes began to itch, too.

  Timmy knew what was happening. The worms laid eggs in his head. They were going to eat his eyes once they grew big.

  But Timmy wouldn’t let them get big.

  Because Timmy still had the screwdriver.

  POW! There’s the zinger ending!

  Did you like that, Joe?

  Did you enjoy reading my little story? Do I have what it takes to self-publish?

  I was going to write a different ending, where Timmy believes the worms got into Daddy’s brain, so he has to kill his dear old father. But I think it’s funnier the way I ended it.

  As I said, this story has nothing to do with the puzzle. Don’t look for any meaning in art, my friend. Art is simply meant to be enjoyed.

  BTW, I decided to call my story Screwdriver. Which is ironic, because that’s also the name of a drink. Just like your books.

  Be careful, Joe. I may start stealing some of your audience.

  Oh, and just to show me you’re still paying attention, type in the puzzle answer backwards. Thanks.

  Yours in prose,

  Unknown Sendet

  From: Joe Konrath

  To: Unknown Sender

  US—

  That puzzle was ridiculously easy. I bet you’re running out of clever ideas.

  I didn’t even need to follow a star to figure it out. And the backwards thing didn’t make it harder. Just tedious.

  You want to be smart, but you’re just boring.

  There was some psych study, years ago, where researchers talked to violent offenders, and there was an unusually high number of psychopaths who had ear infections as children. In fact, if I recall, sadistic murderers were ten to twenty times more likely to have childhood chronic ear pain than the general population.

  That doesn’t mean that every kid with an earache becomes a serial killer. But a statistically high percentage of serial killers had earaches.

  So, are you Timmy?

  Should I start calling you that? Timmy? Tiny Tim?

  Is little Timmy a psycho because he had earaches?

  Or is that all made up?

  Maybe you are what I originally thought you are. A fake. A phony. Pranking me, trolling me, pretending to be some sort of psycho, when you’re just some B-list writer trying to use a gimmick to get attention.

  Did that hit home, Timmy?

  You’re a faker and this is some sort of sick publicity stunt.

  Go to hell, asshole.

  J

  From: Unknown Sender

  To: JA Konrath

  Subject: How I’ll Do It–11

  Joey—

  Your last email was mean.

  No need to be rude. It lessens my opinion of you.

  Why don’t we set a few ground rules?

  Be polite. The world would be so much better if everyone were polite.

  Don’t call me Timmy. You think I’d be stupid enough to use my real name in these emails?

  Stop calling me a liar.

  You lie for a living. You make money at it.

  If I’m trying to spice up my half of the dialog by making a few embellishments here and there, you should be grateful. At least I’m making an effort. All you’re doing is name-calling, whining, and acting like an all-around ass.

  But it’s okay. I’m over it.

  I can imagine your frustration. You want to stop me, but I haven’t given you enough rope to hang me with.

  And even if I do give you enough rope, you won’t be smart enough to know how to use it.

  But listen to us. Bickering like old friends.

  Let’s get back to the game.

  Do you like movies? I don’t know if you do or not. I know, as of this writing, none of your books have been made into movies, so maybe you have some sort of resentment toward the medium.

  Or envy, perhaps.

  Envy is a real killer, Joe. It can consume a person. Gnaw at their minds until they can think of nothing else.

  Can you imagine being devoured by envy? What would you do to save yourself?

  Something extreme, no doubt.

  But I’m digressing. I love movies. And music. And theater.

  Here are some trivia questions related to the above topics. Jot down your answers, because you’ll be using them shortly.

  PUZZLE #11

  Name the ground-breaking movie where monsters eat people, but not Bacon.

  Who directed a movie with the quote, “This is no boating accident.”

  What was Stallone’s biggest hit in the USA?

  Many people have been called the “Fifth Beatle”. Which one was Best?

  This famous musical theater lyricist’s last name is a monocot.

  What breed of dog would be best suited to play Hamlet?

  If you answer all of these correctly, you should have twelve words. The first question has a one-word answer. The second has two words. The third has three words. The fourth has two words. The fifth has two words. The sixth has two words (and it made me laugh out loud.)

  Take the first letter of each of those twelve words, and put those letters into the appropriate box on www.stopamurder.com. Simple enough?

  Also, when I ask for names, I only need first and last, no middle names.

  Oh… is this too hard? Is your little brain being stretched to the max?

  I thought you’d be so happy that this puzzle has no math in it.

  Do you want even more hints?

  Okay, maybe this poem will help with the answers.

  SPOILER ALERT!

  Some Winning brothers are great Superstars,

  Other brothers have hits in different media,

  Shakespeare is Great, Hamlet is Danish,

  It’s all written there, right in Wikipedia,

  Now separate by a meme of Six Degrees,

  Take it with a Grain, for Pete’s sake, then pause,

  While one of the movies does have a Dreyfuss,

  I’m sorry, the movie I want isn’t Jaws.

  That’s nine hints. I know… I’m being far too generous. But that’s the kind of person I am.

  Some people share.

  Others steal.

  Still others kill.

  Have you ever considered murder, Joe?

  Would you want your victim to be completely surprised? Or to know it was coming?

  And how would you do it?

  Quick and painless?

  Slow and agonizing?

  You’ve murdered a lot of people in your stories. In a lot of horrible ways. Some of my favorite killers of yours include Mr. K in Shaken, breaking bones and pulling out intestine
s. So creative! Alex Kork in Rusty Nail—I really enjoyed the dinner table scene. T-Nail with his nail gun in Rum Runner.

  I know, I sound like a fanboy. I know you’re sharing these emails with your readers. I wouldn’t want them thinking this is all about shameless plugs for your novels.

  Because, seriously, your novels aren’t very good.

  That said, my favorite of your villains is Luther Kite, from Stirred and Last Call.

  Oh, wait… Luther Kite isn’t your character. He belongs to Blake Crouch, doesn’t he?

  Now there’s a great writer. No wonder he has all of those TV and movie deals.

  I certainly hope you aren’t being devoured by envy, Joe.

  I’d feel sooo bad if you were.

  Oops, I’m getting off track. We were talking about all the murders in your books. Murders you wrote. Murders you’re responsible for.

  Do you want to be responsible for a real death?

  If not, you’d better get moving on this answer. Twelve letters. Oh, and be a dear and make sure those letters are in alphabetical order, would you?

  All best,

  Unkonown Sender

  From: Joe Konrath

  To: Unknown Sender

  US—

  More word games and bad puns and tricks?

  So I see you’ve gone from stealing classic brain teasers to making me do Internet scavenger hunts, trying to find obscure information.

  Whatever point you’re trying to make, it’s lost in your poor execution.

  J

  From: Unknown Sender

  To: JA Konrath

  Subject: How I’ll Do It–12

  Josephina—

  Poor execution?

  On the contrary. This upcoming execution has cost a fair amount of money.

  I know; another pun. But you’re the king of bad puns, so that’s just the pot calling the kettle names.

  As for stealing brain teasers, how much are you feeding that hypocrisy monster on your back, Joe?

  How many authors have you stolen from? Your serial killer motif is straight from Thomas Harris, James Patterson, and John Sandford. For your plucky heroine, mix Janet Evanovich with Sara Paretsky. Group of flawed sidekicks? Robert B. Parker, John D. MacDonald, and Ed McBain. And your horror excursions? Any layperson can see how you rip off Stephen King, Dean Koontz, and Jack Ketchum.