Draculas Page 50
This is actually a good development. Now Shanna can call Clay when he goes back into the hospital to help Randall, so they can have a tense goodbye scene on the phone. Randall can also call the TV station and tell them to bring the helicopter to the roof.
The point of not wanting cell phones is because we didn't want the cops to come early. But they came early anyway, so it doesn't matter.
Joe
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I researched cell jammers for Cherry Bomb and could swear they were used on airplanes. But apparently I was wrong, because if they were used it would crash the plane. My bad.
The measure of a man is not only being able to admit when he's wrong, but being grateful to those who point it out.
BTW, I think all of you are consistently wrong about everything.
Joe
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You spelled "Killborn" wrong on all of your books.
Jeff
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You smell like cheese.
Joe
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The Jenny/Lanz section is done. Now Randall needs to save her, and quick.
Joe
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American Genocide is off to my agent...it's draculas time!
Blake
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September 12, 2010
I think I'm all right with this...question tho...need to iron out the whole helicopter helping out thing. If the Army is going to blow the place, would they even allow a helicopter to go near a contaminated site. Not saying it can't happen, we just need to establish how it does.
Blake
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Joe and I have been thinking that the only thing Draculas is missing are Hardy Boy/Nancy Drew-style illustrations. 5 of them, and the scenes we want to do are:
Benny the Clown being attack in the ER over the caption: "Oh no, I'm getting bitten...again!"
Oh God. Is that a...flamingo?
the wheelchair dracula chasing Randall
Oasis getting ready to munch on Grammy Ann and asking for her red candy
Clayton Theel and Shanna, heavily armed, kicking ass and taking names.
The artist, Carl (who did the killer cover) would do these for $XXXX apparently. Any objections, suggestions?
This would be the style:
http://bookshelvesofdoom.blogs.com/.a/6a00d8345169e469e20120a7544a31970b-pi
Blake
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Dunno how I missed the birth scene, Blake. Beautifully done.
Joe
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Thanks. Just finished reading Jenny v. Lanz...truly vile, brother. I must have grimaced at least a dozen times. Self amputation...eeewwww. Great scene. I'm not sure if it should be cut up or presented as one long sequence.
Jeff and Paul - read your new stuff too. bravo. Excellent work. We're hitting a really nice balance of horror and laughs. I think if we can tease out a little more suspense in the final polish this thing will be firing on all cylinders. Something truly horrific, truly scary, and truly funny. A tall order, but we're getting there.
Blake
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I like the scene. I think it's necessary to establish how Benny knows to use alcohol (also rounds out his backstory a little bit). It is jarring tho. I think we'll have to see how it hangs with the other scenes on a final review.
Blake
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It's almost 6k words, plus it's really intense, so I think we should divide the scene up. There's so much going on at once, readers will want to check in with other characters.
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Still up? I'm almost done with a 1st pass at Shanna's explanation.
Blake
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Shanna dracula backstory Paul 4.0 is up...still needs a little polishing but it's getting there. I love how all these draculas myths are rolled into one package that kind of makes sense if you don't stare at it too hard. Paul, I renamed your new files just to make it clear what's what in advance of putting everything into the big manuscript documents at the end of the week.
Blake
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Jeff 6.1 -- great scene -- absurd and terrifying -- and smooth segue into Clay vs Randall. I added that Randall spots Clay with a frightened looking woman, since Shanna's in the next scene. Hope I didn't throw you a curve by giving Randall a gun. It's got only 4 shots, but if it messes your plans, I can go back and have him refuse it.
Jenny 1.0 this is one intense piece. In a way it's already broken up by shifts in POV.
brain defibrillation -- resetting Lanz's thought processes like ECT -- very clever.
A couple of quibbles:
Randall was a rock. He was also one of the most reassuring, nurturing people she'd ever known -- this doesn't jibe with his history of drunken rampages -- doesn't sound like a guy she'd divorce. Maybe now that he's stopped drinking, she realizes he's once again the guy she fell in love with.
and the Tea Party was populated by morons. -- gratuitous and political, no? Definitely has its share of morons, but I've got some loyal readers involved in the movement (my Ron Paul contingent) and they're anything but.
Stacie 4.0 -- very moving; the turn at the end is unsettling. (I changed vernex to vernix)
Paul
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Nice. A painless, concise explanation, but is it done?
"He carries the virus that makes the vaccine."
I hear Clay saying. "Vaccine? You mean like a shot?"
Paul
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Re: draculas illustrations: No objections whatsoever. That sounds like a fantastic idea.
Jeff
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You're right, Paul, it was political and gratuitous. I thought it spoke to her character. But I'll cut it. What's another group of people I can call stupid that won't annoy fans that Jenny would dislike?
As for the Randall drinking thing, good catch. I think we can compromise. I want Jenny to leave him because he's not the brightest bulb, and she wants more. That could include him hitting the bars and getting arrested for fighting and drunk and disorderly. But I don't see him as the type who would ever be violent toward her, even if he has a violent streak.
So we can have Clay arrest him at various bars around town, and have him know Jenny because she kept bailing his dumb ass out. That means I'll add his drinking problem to Jenny's list of things she can't stand about him, and Clay can feel sorry for her that she has had to put up with such a loser.
Joe
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Nice job on the infodump scene, Blake. I agree it needs to be smoothed out--it's too on the nose.
Can I take a crack at it?
Joe
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You're right, Paul, it was political and gratuitous. I thought it spoke to her character. But I'll cut it. What's another group of people I can call stupid that won't annoy fans that Jenny would dislike?
The Klan? The Taliban?
As for the Randall drinking thing, good catch. I think we can compromise. I want Jenny to leave him because he's not the brightest bulb, and she wants more.
Shanna's problem with Clay is she wants more too. Too similar?
That could include him hitting the bars and getting arrested for fighting and drunk and disorderly. But I don't see him as the type who would ever be violent toward her, even if he has a violent streak.
So we can have Clay arrest him at various bars around town, and have him know Jenny because she kept bailing his dumb ass out. That means I'll add his drinking problem to Jenny's list of things she can't stand about him, and Clay can feel sorry for her that she has had to put up with such a loser.
Well, I never saw him being violent to her, just breaking stuff.
How about he was a sweet guy when they married; the drink got control and brought out his dark side. She couldn't take it anymore and dumped him. It's a nice arc for her to go from thinking he's still the jerk she divorced when they meet in the ER, to slowly realize that he's been serious about sobering up and that he's back to the sweet guy s
he married. (Yeah, I split an infinitive - sue me.)
Paul
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Yeah, that's stronger. Jeff and I can tweak his drinking problem in the rewrite, make it more of a main issue between them.
Then the fact that he cut the back of his leg could be Jenny believing he was drinking on the job, when it really was just stupidity.
And the reason he could have begun drinking is because he felt inferior to his smarter wife.
Jeff? Work for you?
Joe
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Yep, that completely works.
Are we going to add a disclaimer to the book saying that people who read the free sample are required to start over from the beginning? :)
Jeff
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Please, take a crack at sanding out the rough edges. What I really love (and maybe you work on) is the idea that because Mort is from this bloodline, and because he essentially infected himself with the same strand that hit Oswald, the virus can manifest differently in him. He contains the cure within himself, only it's a cure that makes him a functioning (and infinitely more terrifying dracula). This is getting above my medical expertise pay grade, so hopefully Paul can make sure I haven't completely fucked up my basic understanding of virus and antibody. And yes, Paul, I think the scene definitely goes on with Clay saying "You mean a shot?" Please feel free to tweak any of the dialogue I assigned to him.
Blake
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I uploaded a couple of pages of Clay 5.0 -- a scene done purely for visual impact -- but I don't know where to go from there. Does Clay reconnect with Randall next or does he blunder into the Adam-Stacie story? Eventually he has to help Adam end it all.
Maybe I'll write him setting up Adam's farewell scene and work on the timing and connections later. I'm on a roll here and don't want to lose momentum.
Paul
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Paul - I'm writing my Adam scene right now. Not sure if he connects with Randall first (I'm thinking not), but Clayton does blunder into my story. He can be on the third floor, near the birthplace, (trying to find a way to the roof?) and hear screams coming from the maternity ward. He busts in and sees my minister out in the hallway fighting with Oasis (and losing). saves the day. Stacie by this point will be in bed, hooked up to a blood transfusion, and he can help them get out of there. Nurse Herrick will be turning into a draculas by this point too (Oasis bit her) so maybe he can put her down as well. There's also a single mother on the wing who just gave birth to a baby dracula (oasis has been on a tear). If you want to work that scene up, I'll work on Adam going to get blood for his wife, and lay the groundwork of Oasis running rampant through the birthplace while he's away. Sound good?
Blake
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Let me see what you do and I'll jump in. But you do plan to have Adam bitten, right?
Paul
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For sure.
And here's my outline plan...
Adam 4.0 (almost done) will end with him leaving the mat ward to go get blood.
Herrick 1.0 will be her beginning to treat Stacie, and then oasis shows up and wreaks havoc, she gets bitten but scares O off.
Adam 5.0 - will be Adam goes down to the blood bank with only a scalpel to retrieve blood bags for Stacie, is chased, almost killed, but makes it back to the ER.
Oasis 4.0 - short, Oasis pissed, trying to figure out how to kill an adult.
Adam 6.0 - Adam returns to the ward with the blood and Herrick gets Stacie hooked up, but she starts to feel bad and leaves (they haven't seen these things turn so they don't know what the symptoms mean. Adam starts to comfort his wife and take care of his newborn daughter when Oasis shows up. Minister vs. 8-year-old dracula girl...can't wait to write this scene. Just as O is getting ready to overpower him, Clay arrives. (but Adam is bitten). I think Herrick can show back up after this at some point after clay arrives for a big scare.
Blake
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Very cool. Is Stacy going to make it? If not, I have uses for that blood.
Paul
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Not sure yet...my thought is she's touch-and-go as Clay and Adam roll her and the baby out of the maternity ward and they go in search of a way to get on the roof. But Adam is bringing back tons of blood bags. He's going to use them like grenades.
Blake
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Sounds awesome. But don't have Adam bitten until he's on the roof.
Joe
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Are elevators working?
Blake
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No elevators. Are you thinking Adam has a cart for the blood?
Joe
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How about this for Randall, since the outlines thus far don't really address what's going to happen with the kids in pediatrics.
He reaches pediatrics just as Benny is attacking. Randall is absolutely pissed beyond belief that the clown has his chainsaw. Benny loses the fight, and Randall gets his beloved chainsaw back.
They need to get the kids out. With Randall in the front, carving up every dracula that comes at them, and Jenny in the back, they move through the hospital as a group. The noise attracts more draculas, but that's fine, because Randall is ready to saw up as many of those things as will come at him. He's feeling alive.
They make it outside the hospital. There's a news van out there. Randall gets the kids into the back of the van...but Jenny isn't with them anymore. A dracula grabbed her. The van drives off with the kids, but Randall has to go back into the hospital. He saves Jenny again, but his chainsaw dies, and now there are too many creatures in the lobby, feasting on the dismembered corpses of their fellow draculas. They need another way out. Which connects us back to the idea of going to the roof...
Jeff
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No, just wanted to know what options he's got. Nurse Herrick just gave him the most convoluted directions to the blood bank in history. Of course, it's in the basement. I'm actually afraid for him.
Blake
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@ Jeff - That works for me. Or they can meet with Clay and Adam in the hall and all go up together. If Jenny dies get separated, I need a lead dracula to terrorize her.
@ Blake - Is Adam going to kill Oasis? Or will he balk at killing a child? Also, Adam will have an overnight bag for the hospital stay. He can fill a wheeled suitcase with blood packs.
Joe
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Adam 4.0 up...may need to do an accuracy polish later on what's happening with Stacie medically.
Blake
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You can give Adam an iPad, which he reads the bible on. That could be his light. Or just a regular book light, for late night gospel reading. He'll need something in the basement.
Joe
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Joe, cool. Jenny doesn't need to be separated for long--basically, she's not there when Randall gets outside with the kids, but he finds her again fairly quickly after he gets back inside. She's had her big showdown with Lanz, so I think it's fine to keep it all in Randall's POV until they're back together, heading upstairs.
Jeff
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Herrick 1.0 is up...on to Adam's journey into the basement.
Blake
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I did a quick draft of this to get it out of my system.
When Adam pulls the trigger, it would be nice to have a POV character see the windows blow out from the parking lot.
Paul
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I'll read it right now. Oasis 4.0 is up...short scene in the maternity ward.
Blake
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Paul, that's beautiful. I can see this all coming together now. There will be a touching scene between Adam and Stacie right before Randall takes Stacie and the baby up to the roof. She'll be back into consciousness, holding their daughter, blood flowing into her, and Adam is leaving them, infected, to go with Randall to kill these monsters. I fucking LOVE this.